The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
You Might Also Like
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie