The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?