The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
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I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
The Backseat Boys
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.