the only organized thing in my life is crime
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
