Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

Kids, do not try this at home!

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list