the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
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Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Birds & Planes.
