The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Strange
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic