The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot