The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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