The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?