The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir