Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.