Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

“no gods no masters” = leo

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”