Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.