The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married