The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Writing, She Murdered.