Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂