Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.