The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.