Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

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*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me