The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My loaf of bread looks terrified
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here