The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Made something I’m not proud of
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Just grow your own
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.