Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

As per my previous tablet…

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”