The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.