The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
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Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
how long have you had this for?
Kermit goes Blue.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure