The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.


Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love


We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption


Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.


ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter


When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.


If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.


I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.


*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*