What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
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I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.