@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

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@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

@MariyaAlexander

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@_Tempo11

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

@Samzen_

I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.

@ehchinoo

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*