The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Another day, another…goddammit
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.