The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
WTF
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie