The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
