The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
these can’t be my only options
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
