The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
This line from Airplane.
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Duck typos.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb