The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.