The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?