The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
a New Yorker reject, for you
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.