The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
SONOFA
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.