The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
This meal prepping shit easy
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..