The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.