The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Good lord
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….