Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Pikachu found the lost joint

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school