The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
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whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.