The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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But wait…
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.