The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”