The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.