Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.