The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
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my one true gender
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears