The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.