The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.