The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls