The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Good lord
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Lmbo
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I hate my earbuds.
Imma just leave this here…………
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you