Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.