Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

I forgot how to panic. Help

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.