@CaucasianJames

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

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@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@hotmessminushot

I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.

@jonnysun

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

@LindaInDisguise

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

@ms_woodsy

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

@CantWaitToNap

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

@sofarrsogud

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids