the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Omg 🤣
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
mentally somewhere in italy
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.