the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Put a ring on it
You better watch out
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve