The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.