The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
That’s it.I’m out.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.