The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.