The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Gemma Correll
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I’d love this…lol
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
