Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.