The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.


I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?


DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god


1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.


[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut


It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk