@WineMummy: The only reason I'm on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
@_Tempo11: Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag.
@JustMeTurtle: What I said: I do. What she heard: I do... want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.