The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.