@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

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@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@HenpeckedHal

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

@ericsshadow

1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.

@InternetHippo

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

@Henry_3000

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

@wolfpupy

the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk