Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Become ungovernable.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

A leaf blower, but for people.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)