The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body