Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.