Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.