Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨