Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I forgot how to panic. Help

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.