The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
*seductively eats two tums*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none