The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Mike is short for Micycle
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome