The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
You Might Also Like
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’