Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hackers play passwordle

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

how it started vs how it ended

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

This meeting could have been a cake

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

💻🤡

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.