Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*