The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?