Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

There’s never enough good news

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles