Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning ☺️

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.