The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*