The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”