The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together