Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

this is 10/10 content no notes

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

thank god

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?