The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together