The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
You Might Also Like
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.