God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Siri: Retweet me.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.