The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.