Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”